


You're Home Free As Soon As No One Knows Where to Find You

by birdbrains



Series: Old ERF [6]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Body Horror, Bucky's Broken Dick, Dehumanization, Discussion of Consent Issues, First Time, Genital Torture, Identity Issues, M/M, Negotiations, Past Torture, Protective Bucky Barnes, Protective Steve Rogers, Snark, Stone partner, Virgin Steve Rogers, graysexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-23
Updated: 2015-02-23
Packaged: 2018-03-14 17:11:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3418799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/birdbrains/pseuds/birdbrains
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve and Bucky are trying to have sex for the first time (Steve's first time ever). Bucky wants everything to be normal and nice for Steve, but ends up having to admit that his relationship to his body and sexuality is pretty far from normal after being the Winter Soldier.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're Home Free As Soon As No One Knows Where to Find You

**Author's Note:**

> So I changed this from an E to an M rating because I noticed it has a much worse kudos:hits ratio than most of the other fics in the series, and I wonder if that's because I accidentally made it look like porn. If you're looking for porn, you will probably be disappointed because the only sex scene is a short one at the beginning and then it turns into something else.
> 
> This is potentially upsetting because of some of the torture descriptions and Steve's worries about consent issues/triggering Bucky, so I will just describe those in the endnotes. Have fun!

They got along really well for about fifteen minutes. "That _was_ smooth, God help me," Bucky said, crowding Steve up against the bathroom closet and dragging his mouth along Steve's neck.

"Well, it's kind of a waste if you're not gonna kiss me on the mouth," Steve said.

"That's what you want to do? Kiss?So you're saying if I just--" Bucky kept his eyes on Steve, carefully, and reached down and brushed his right hand against Steve's crotch. Steve choked. Bucky looked satisfied and leaned into him, putting his head on Steve's shoulder and talking into his ear. "You're saying if I just did this--" Now he was being a real asshole, stroking the back of his hand against Steve in a way that was much more solid, but pretty much just making contact at random like he didn't even know it was there--

"If 'this' is the whole bumping into my dick with your hand and pretending it's an accident--"

"I'm not pretending it's an accident. Just because I didn't pull out the whole thing and just grab it right away like I have no sense of timing or buildup--"

Steve practically growled at him. Bucky pulled back to look at him, unfairly amused.

"What, you don't want me to be sweet to you?"

"How the fuck is this sweet? Just jerk me off if you're going to."

Bucky laughed. "Okay. Sorry. Let me lick my fingers, okay?"

"I can lick your fingers," Steve said.

"You don't have to do that."

"I can do it, though. If you'd like me to. I mean, you probably won't put enough spit on them."

"They're going on your dick, not in your ass," Bucky pointed out. "We don't have to make a production out of it."

"I really like your hands, though," Steve grumbled, and Bucky's face went soft in that particular way that Steve still wasn't used to.

Bucky said, "Knock yourself out," and put his fingers up for Steve to take in his mouth. It was true Bucky probably would have been quicker; Steve brought his head forward slowly and nipped them, like he was kissing. Bucky looked like he was thinking of laughing at him but he didn't, just waited with that soft look while Steve sucked his fingers into his mouth and licked them. "Aw," he said. Steve narrowed his eyes at him, and then Bucky did laugh and said, "Oh, okay, quit it, these are for you, remember? They're for you."

He reached down and pulled Steve out of his boxers and even though Steve had yelled at him to hurry up he couldn't believe it was really happening. He was embarrassed by how close to coming he was as soon as Bucky's warm wet fingers wrapped around him, embarrassed that he couldn't help pushing up into them. He tried to say something snarky but instead he was spinning with how nice it was and stupidly it was all going to be over in about a second. Instead the only thing he could bring himself to say was "I'm sorry-"

"Oh, come on," Bucky said and leaned forward, putting his face against Steve's ear again. "It's fine. Come on, sweetheart, it's not a _problem_ \--" and Steve lost it all over Bucky's shirt.

"Oh shit," he said when they separated. "You were so careful not to get icing on it."

Bucky clapped his hand over his mouth and shook with laughter. "I'm sorry!" he said. "But Jesus, Steve, go a little easy on yourself. You think your jizz was going to get sucked up into a flying saucer and flown away 'cause you're such a great person?"

"Yes," Steve said.

"We okay?" Bucky said. "God, sorry I snuffed out your virtue in the bathroom instead of in the bed or an apple orchard or something."

Steve snorted. "An orchard? That's where it was supposed to happen?"

"Well, you know. Somewhere nicer than the bathroom. The knob of the closet must have been digging into your ass."

"No, it wasn't, and besides I was too busy--"

"Thinking of your knob? Well, that's good, anyway, means I did my part right."

"Of course you did, stupid," Steve said, "except if you were so bothered about doing it in an orchard or wherever, you could've just asked. 'Hey, Steve, let's go to an apple orchard and I'll jerk you off.'"

"Well, I wanted to do it tonight," Bucky said. "Teleportation hasn't been invented yet--yeah, maybe next time I wake up we'll be able to do stuff like that, just disappear and appear on a cruise ship so everything can be extra romantic--but you know, who knows when that's gonna happen."

"I mean, that wasn't actually all my virtue. You could take me to an orchard for the next part," Steve said.

"You're getting stuck on this orchard thing, it was just an example."

"I'm just saying, we could go to--we don't have to go an orchard. We could just go to my bed? It's actually only a short distance away from the bathroom, less than a minute, so we don't even need to be able to teleport if we want to be there quickly."

Bucky blinked at him. "What, you mean now?"

"Well I mean, if you want to. I thought I could do something for you, because I got mine, and you still didn't--"

Steve cut his eyes down and Bucky laughed. "Oh, good, thanks for looking at my dick so I know what you're talking about. I thought you were just talking about how I didn't brush my teeth yet."

"You better do that, too," Steve said, "if I'm gonna kiss you."

"You'll kiss me anyway," Bucky said.

He wasn’t wrong. But Steve still pestered Bucky into brushing his teeth before they retired to Steve's room. It wasn't not true that the serum took care of a lot. If you didn't brush your teeth, maybe they wouldn't be beautiful, but you weren't going to have a bunch of cavities and infections either.

But it was just something people did. Steve had never thought of stopping, and even though Bucky was probably just being lazy, it bothered Steve that he rarely brushed his teeth. It was too much like, oh, Steve didn't know. Bucky marking his face up by squeezing the bridge of his nose with his metal hand, burning the other one on the stove and refusing to even let Steve look at it because it would heal. Or punching the trash can with it--it wasn't like something bad was going to happen, of course he would heal, but it was a type of carelessness that just wore away at Steve. _You don't put lipstick on a gun._ But not exactly. It was something a little different.

As soon as they got into Steve's room, Bucky took all his clothes off and advanced on Steve to do the same to him. "They don't match anyway," he said.

"It's my pajamas!" Steve protested. "I'm not wearing them out to dinner."

"What if there's a fire? People're gonna be looking at you wondering how come you don't know how to dress yourself."

"So now I can be naked if there's a fire?" Steve said and then, "I don't, I don't actually want you to?"

"I didn't mean I want to screw you or something, I just want to see."

"Yeah, but I don't want that yet, okay? I'm not ready." Steve just wanted Bucky to not make him talk about why he didn't want to. He wanted him to just understand; up until now he'd felt like Bucky _did_ understand, pretty much--maybe he was too gooey about Steve being a virgin, but it was sort of nice how he was about it. Steve was also gooey about being a virgin, but not in a nice way. Almost everything was new to him, and Steve hated to be out of his element.

Bucky was looking at him studiously, with his head titled to one side. Steve had--horribly, Steve had never really looked at him naked growing up or in the army, even though they'd changed in front of each other--it wasn't like you'd just turn and stare at your best friend while he was getting dressed. The horrible thing was that Steve had seen him naked but only in pictures in the Winter Soldier file.

They weren't sexual pictures or anything. There just wasn't any particular reason to put clothes on him, so they didn't. In the pictures Bucky looked bored, or focused, or mad about something else. He didn't seem to think anything of it. He didn't seem to think anything of it now--he looked perfectly comfortable, he didn't move to cover himself or like he was trying to look good either. Maybe that was normal for people who'd had more sex.

"Hey, Steve," Bucky said, like he was talking to a rabid dog. "Sorry about that. I didn't mean to push you." Steve had sat down on the bed and Bucky sat next to him now and looked at him and took his hand. Bucky pushed his hair back with his other hand, looked abashed, said, "I'm sorry--you want us to quit for now?”

"No," Steve said. "I wanted to do it for you, remember?”

"You know how my memory is," Bucky said. “You like what you see?” He did jazz hands around his junk and Steve had to pull him over and kiss him. "Aw," Bucky said. "Seriously. Do you like it? Sorry there's only the one."

"I like it. You're right, it would be better if there were more, but I guess I can just cross my eyes." Steve appreciated that Bucky had brought up the whole dick splitting thing, or he would have been trying not to think about it.

"So, can you tell? That anything happened to it?"

Sometimes Steve felt like he was going to go crazy from trying so hard to say the right thing. It looked normal; he wouldn't have guessed what had happened if he hadn't known. It wasn't like he would have been less interested if it had been all scarred up or something. "Where'd they do it?" he asked, putting out his finger.

"Here," Bucky said, and Steve ran his finger down it where Bucky showed him. "The first time. Second time, it was more like here. There might have been a third time, I don't remember."

"I didn't realize there was more than once," Steve said.

"It's not really a discrete number," Bucky said. "I mean, I--well. It’s a long story. They did a lot to a lot of parts of me.” He half-smiled. “But where are my manners? You wanted to touch it, so come on, we don’t have all night.”

Steve started stroking Bucky to hardness. He wasn’t sure how this was supposed to feel--it just felt sort of strange to be touching someone else’s dick, especially when he was looking down at it as if it was his own. Bucky had his left arm around Steve’s shoulders and they were looking down at it together. Steve glanced back at Bucky’s face and he was still half-smiling, but the smile looked sort of painted on his mouth. Steve took his hand off. “Sorry,” he said.

“You’re just fine,” Bucky said. “I’ll show you how I do it. There’s a trick to it. Put your hands in your lap, okay?” Steve did and Bucky made like he was going to touch himself with his right hand, but his hand hovered like it had when he’d tried to reach for the pen earlier.

"Oh, is that a trigger?" Steve asked.

"Have I ever told you you're my favorite person?" Bucky said. "But no, it's not. I’m just--” He took hold of his dick. “You want to--actually.” He paused. “You want to do it how I like it?”

“Of course I do,” Steve said.

Bucky took his hand off himself and held it in the air again. “That’s how I like it. I don’t. That’s the trick.”

“The trick is not touching you.”

“Yeah. Are you mad?”

“Why would I be mad?”

“Well, I...you know. Kind of lied to you?” Bucky made a face. “I made you think I was good to go, but I’m just, well--I was planning to just go ahead and do it, because it can get hard and come, it looks normal, I figured I could pretend to like it, but--”

“Jesus,” Steve said. Bucky took his arm off his shoulders.

“You’re mad.”

“I’m not mad, but--” Steve felt like he was going to start tearing up if he wasn’t careful. “Why would you--”

“Well, I wanted you to like me.”

“Jesus Christ, Bucky!” Oh, great. The tearing up was happening for real. And he was going to scare Bucky, too, probably. “Nothing bad’s gonna happen, don’t get upset, but I already like you! I’d never want you to do anything you don’t want and I don’t know how to get that through your fucking head. For shit’s sake.” He put his head down and rubbed his eyes with his hands. He really didn’t want to get too angry. Maybe he should leave the room.

Bucky’s hand was on his back, tentative, kind of like the old buzzing feeling. “Calm down, Steve. You’re shaking. It’s really no big thing.”

“Yes, it is! What’s wrong with you?”

Bucky said, “Well...” Steve looked at him and he looked like he was trying not to laugh. “I don’t know, Steve, what _is_ wrong with me?”

“Oh, ha ha,” Steve said. “Yeah, it’s not exactly a mystery.”

“I can just jerk you off again instead,” Bucky said. “Or I could blow you--never done it on purpose so that’s exciting. The serum makes us recover pretty fast, I remember that from when my dick worked. Steve, what in the world?”

“Nothing, it, it’s fine, I just need to go,” Steve said. He’d started tearing up again, except it was worse, he was almost actually crying.

“Oh, hey, Steve, baby. Don’t--hey.” Bucky had put his arms around him and was stroking his hair. It would have already been jarring Steve the fuck out if Bucky hadn’t been naked while he was doing this. “Can you just, can you just explain to me what the problem is?”

“No.”

“Oh, come on. You’re not really--you’re not mad because I can’t do all the sex stuff.”

“You’re really confused, Bucky,” Steve said.

“No. I _know,_ Steve.” Steve heard Bucky click his tongue to himself, concentrating on something. He went a little tense, and he said, “No. You wouldn’t be mad at me for saying no. That’s why I stopped, that’s why I showed you that I didn’t want that. I only want to do stuff I like with you, and that’s--you don’t even have to tell me. I _know_ it’s allowed.”

Steve was flooded with relief but he wasn’t really sure if he could believe it. “That’s real good, Buck.”

“So what’s the problem? It’s not because I didn’t want you to jerk me off.”

Steve pulled back from the hug and looked at Bucky. He looked reasonably happy, just confused. Steve said carefully, “You don’t have to do stuff for me to like you, and I’m afraid that you already--in the bathroom, and us kissing for a while--I’m afraid you already have.”

“Yeah, no,” Bucky said. Steve looked at him, and Bucky said, “You’re not going to believe me if you’re not going to believe me. I didn’t want to tell you about the other thing. I didn’t think you were going to want me to get off tonight, so I thought...I don’t know. I didn’t make myself ready to say it to you. I like the other stuff--I just don’t like my dick, so I don’t like coming or touching it, it makes me feel like throwing up. It’s as simple as that.”

Steve had never heard of anything like that. “You always been like this?”

“Is that a joke? No, of course not. I told you, they did a lot of things to a lot of parts of me, and the old way it was wasn’t efficient. It’s not a very coherent story if I even tried to tell you exactly what happened. And it doesn’t matter, either. It just...” He put his hand up next to Steve’s jaw, the way he had a few weeks ago. Then he put it down and said, casually, “It just matters if you’d still want the other stuff. Because--I know I don’t have to and all that shit, but I like your dick, and I have a lot of non-dick body parts that still feel like mine and really like getting touched by you, so, you know, ball’s in your court.”

“Oh,” Steve said. “That’s all? Yeah, I want to.”

“Well, that was a lot of trouble,” Bucky said. “What made you so broken up, Stevie? I didn’t--I wasn’t really sure what to think about it.”

“I just didn’t want to take advantage of you,” Steve said.

“That’s nice, I guess,” Bucky said. “Hmm. You still want to do something now?”

“Not right now,” Steve said.

“You want me out of your room for now?”

“No,” Steve said. “I want to lay around with you and talk to you.”

“Aw,” Bucky said. He half-hugged Steve, briefly.

“Do you mind putting some clothes on?” Steve said.

Bucky looked down at himself. “Oh, right. Oh, Jesus! That must have really bothered you. You’re all upset you’re taking advantage of me and I’m slithering all over you in the buff.”

“I mean, sort of,” Steve said. “Not really.”

Bucky waved him off. “It’s okay, you can say it.” He got up to get his jeans off the floor, and laid back down on the bed to wiggle into them. “I’m not--I know other people notice when they’re naked, and that it can be a little creepy when I just...don’t.”

"I wouldn't say creepy."

"Well, if you did, you wouldn't be the first."

"Someone told you it was creepy?"

"Well, not directly." Bucky laid down on his side with his back against Steve's leg. "This okay?" Steve rested his hand on Bucky's neck and Bucky pushed his back closer against him. "You know. 'Can't you tell it to put some clothes on? I don't need to see that shit.'"

"'It?'" Steve said. Bucky just pushed his face into the bedspread; Steve stroked his hair back along his forehead and Bucky grabbed Steve's hand and held it there, pressing against his face. "I'd kind of like a word with those guys," Steve said.

"Oh yeah? What kind of word?"

"Look at me." Bucky looked up and Steve put his fists up. Bucky laughed.

"Kitten's got claws!"

"Well, people aren't allowed to talk about you that way."

"It's not really important," Bucky said, but he looked pleased. Steve started moving his hand in Bucky's hair again, and Bucky said, "That's good." He closed his eyes, opened them again and said, "Seriously, no pressure, but if you get bored you could lay down and hold me and grind on me. I’d love it. Just something to think about."

"I wouldn't mind just staying like this for a few days," Steve said.

"You can't sleep sitting up."

"I don't care, I like looking at you."

Bucky grinned, squeezing his eyes shut like he thought Steve was too ridiculous to be real. He snuggled his face into the bedspread again.

"You know, for someone who can't do it you sure think about it a lot."

"Well, I _can_ do it--I just don't like my dick. I like yours, so I enjoy when it happens to you. It's sort of vicarious--pretty selfish, actually."

"Oh, yeah? It's none of my business--"

"Sure it's your business," Bucky said. He took Steve's hand and pulled it against his mouth. "You're my favorite person, I told you. But it's not much of a story. They didn’t do much to it that was fancy--I mean, it's one of the most sensitive organs, easy to hurt. Maybe that’s the only reason they left it on. Sometimes they'd tell him they were going to cut it off."

"Him?"

"You know, the original. The real Bucky." Steve didn't say anything. Bucky cracked an eye open to give him a half amused look. "You know it's not me, Steve. You're not fooling yourself anymore, are you? What you have on your hands is something else."

"Someone else," Steve said.

"Stop sweet talking me," Bucky said. "Anyway, he liked sex. It's weird to remember. Kind of like when I think back on missions and I realize it was people, not dolls, that were falling apart that way."

"Sex is like killing people?"

"I'm not _that_ crazy. It's just that I can feel his feelings stacked on top of how I'd feel about it now, and how I'd feel about it now is, you know, not how he felt. He really enjoyed it. I think they kind of...it sounds stupid, but you know, the things you love are important. I think they killed the original Bucky when they killed his dick.”

"Funny, I don't remember growing up with a walking, talking dick for a best friend."

"Maybe they did fry you, baby."

"Anyway you still haven't told me what happened."

"You said it wasn't your business."

"You said it was!"

Bucky rolled onto his back and smiled up at Steve, sweetly, with his eyes half closed. He took the hand that had been touching his face in both of his. "I woke up and, um, there was all this raw meat down there. Like hamburger meat."

"It grew back from that?"

Bucky shook his head, impatient. "It doesn't--first of all, pretty much everything grows back. It's why I'm just about the most easily swayed person on the planet, because there's just something that really gets to you about hearing your bones break, or looking your guts in the face--even if you _know_ it'll all be fine. And with someone like me it's no skin off your neck to even do that, because it always grows back. There's pretty much no part of me I haven't seen in pieces."

"What about your eyes?"

"Yeah, of course, they're pretty much the other most sensitive part--"

"Yeah but you said there's no part of your body you haven't seen in pieces. If they cut your eyes up you wouldn't be able to see it. So you haven't seen your eyes cut up. Ew, Bucky!" Bucky was licking his hand.

"You just did that to me about twenty minutes ago."

"I was being smooth, you're being juvenile."

Bucky laughed. "Wasn’t smooth when you did it, sweetheart," he said and kissed Steve's fingers.

"Anyway, wouldn't you be the second most easily swayed person in the world? I heal even faster."

"Yeah, but you wouldn't give in if they did that. Bet you'd just get fussier and angrier the more they hurt you."

"That's not true."

"Oh, come on, Steve. We're really arguing about this? I can see it now--you're strapped down, don't know your own name, and some asshole is peeling the soles off your feet with a carving knife. The other asshole is, I don't know, pulling off your fingernails. And everybody's getting in your face waiting for you to cry, but you're just spitting. You don't even need to know who you are to be insufferable."

"No, Bucky, I'm pretty sure I'd be crying like anybody else. I like having fingernails.”

"Oh, insufferably humble too. Seriously, Steve, they'd wire you right up and fry you and as soon as you stopped shaking you'd be stringing the words together to give them what for." Bucky searched Steve's face. "Sorry, is this bothering you?"

"No, not really." There was no point. "You think about this a lot?"

"No, original Bucky did. It kept him going for a while, trying to react the way you would. Not that a few more days or months of not breaking actually mattered. Jesus! Where are my manners, I never finished telling you about my hamburger dick."

"I'm on the edge of my seat."

"So I woke up. I look down and there's just a bunch of meat down there. It looks bloody and dead. And it's not like before, when I've been thinking, that's my dick all banged up or cut in half. It isn't mine. It's something they put on me, like the arm, but it's worse because it isn't even useful and I start getting real scared because I don't understand why they did it, and I want to throw up because I can still feel it, somehow, even though it's not mine."

"What did they do to it?" Steve asked.

"You think I asked them? I don’t know. That’s the end of the story. That’s really the end of almost every story I have. I have no fucking idea what happened or what was going on. It’s not important, anyway.”

“It’s kind of important.”

“No, not really.” Bucky looked thoughtful; he ran his fingers along Steve’s wrist. “It sounds bad to you, because you still have yours. I don’t miss it because it’s not mine, but also because, you know, I can’t complain. You’re learning how to touch me the way I like, already, and that’s only going to get better, and next time I won’t upset you by telling everything to you the wrong way, so hopefully you’ll have a better time too.”

“Is that happening at the apple orchard,” Steve said.

“For sure,” Bucky said. “Seriously. Sorry for turning this into a whinefest, but next time you’ll like it better.”

“I did like it before I started whining,” Steve said.

“Oh, it was me doing the whining, really,” Bucky said. “You want to lay down and hold me? I promise I won’t grind on you.”

“I know you’re not going to grind on me, stupid,” Steve said. He settled himself on the bed, scooting down a little so his nose was against the back of Bucky’s neck. He just liked the feeling. “I’m sorry I threw a fit like that. I try and act really...well, you know me, sometimes I just can’t keep it together. I bite off a lot and then I just, I don’t know, I sort of lose it.”

“Don’t be stupid, Steve,” Bucky said. “Nothing wrong with you. You bite off more because you’re better, I always thought that.”

“Oh, you and what army,” Steve said.

“I don’t need an army,” Bucky said and pulled Steve’s arm tighter around him.

**Author's Note:**

> Consent Issues/general emotional stuff: when Bucky stops Steve from touching him genitally and explains that he doesn't like it but that he'd been planning to go through with it anyway, Steve mistakenly thinks that Bucky had already gone along with things he didn't want to do. Steve is pretty upset but also is worrying that he'll trigger Bucky by being upset, and until they manage to sort out the issue, Steve's also really upset that Bucky is trying to comfort him and doesn't understand what Steve's upset about. I guess this is kind of weird to warn for but for various reasons, the idea of accidentally triggering or abusing someone is the only thing that actually triggers me in fiction, so if I have any clones out there I guess they'll appreciate the warning.
> 
> Torture/body horror: Bucky briefly describes various types of injuries to eyes, fingernails, feet, etc., and in a lot more detail talks about his penis being mutilated until he was horrified to look at it and started thinking of it as "dead meat" instead of as a part of him.


End file.
